A really good and a really multifaceted question. Today I was supposed to meet w/my little brother. It’s been about since March (2008)that we have talked or that I have heard from him. It’s been since my brother’s wife (CSIL)FREAKED out on me b/c I didn’t have the whole 2 yr birthday event of my son planned out in advance for her to plan. My brother soon after sort of fell off the face of the earth. Every time she has gotten angry w/me (and yes, it’s always her getting angry w/me…really.)he has always somehow come around kind of sheepishly. Even if he never acknoledged her erratic and unstable behaviour he was still somehow present. Pass by to come for a swim. Pass by to have an espresso and chit chat. Come by w/my niece to play. But not this time. Nothing. Nada. Fell off the face of the earth.
And I did call him since her FREAK out. And I did see him twice. And one time brought me to tears b/c he was so visibly hateful and full of anger. So he called two days ago and said, ” We need to talk-can you get together on Sunday?”. Well, of course. I will drop any thing to see my brother. Today came and went and around 3PM I thought: “Now, was I supposed to be the one to call?”. Yes, stupid me. Yes, too many stinky boyfriends that would conveniently not call when they’d say they’d call. I made the call to him when it was him that called me to say “can we get together?”.
So, I called and just as I expected, he didn’t answer. But he did call back about 1/2 an hour later and just laid it out there, “So, why haven’t you called? If I hadn’t called you when would it have been when you would’ve called me?”. I responded, “I did see you twice since she and I had our falling out and you were not the nicest or very receptive to any conversation…you even left the 2nd time w/out saying good-bye.” ” And I did even call”, I mentioned to him, ” to arrange a playdate w/the girls (my daughter and his daughter)and had no return call from him or your wife.”
And I mentioned that the day I stopped by his office he was so mean that I sat in my car crying and he did apologize for maybe being a little too harsh but it was right after his wife FREAKED out on me. Yet, he was emphasizing that we have the tightest bond b/c we are brother and sister and this is ridiculous that we are not talking like most of our family in Sicily does. And whatever happens between his wife and I should not have any affect on he and I. Well, it sounds good in theory…but it’s not the way it’s been for the last 9 years.
And I said which is the truth that I have made an effort to talk with him since the episode but w/no response. So, what am I supposed to do? I backed away and waited for him to come around when he wasn’t angry any more and that is what I told him. He told his wife the other day it doesn’t make sense why he can’t come over to say hi and visit. Then I told him to come by if he wanted w/his older daughter and he said he couldn’t b/c he has alot going on. And I asked him, “Did you just move?” And he sort of laughed cockily and said,”Yeah, yesterday.” And I asked him, “Where, nearby?” And he said, “Boy are you nosy”. And I said, “well you were just talking about how we have a bond and we’re brother and sister and you can’t tell me where you moved?”. Very strange. And he responded, “Listen, I will tell you at the end of the week and give you a call.”
It really bugged me this secrecy about moving but then again I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked. I could hear the echo of a hollowness that sounded like he was talking in a marble or tiled room and knew right away that he was in my dear old friend Suzanna’s place she was renting this past year right on the beach. I knew, not b/c I have these strange psychic abilities but b/c Suzanna had told me last month right before she moved away when she was telling me how “evil” my CSIL was that she put a call out to her husband Andy to get their landlord’s # b/c she wanted to rent their place when they moved back to Connecticut.
And Suzanna also told me how she is Single White Female. And how she has faced true evil in it’s face and for me to stay as far away from her as possible and to never fall for her niceness again. Well, wouldn’t that get you wondering what in carnations did she know and wasn’t telling me? I knew at that moment it was a fact that my CSIL was bashing me and there was nothing I could do as there never was any thing I could do.
Last month my friend Suzanna said we had to get together. So we met at my house as we normally did and I cooked and the kids swam and her babysitter came by as we were hanging out. She had just told me that her babysitter was stalked by my CSIL while they were in CT househunting the weekend before and how my CSIL kept calling her cell and that she answered (babysitter’s cell was broken and she has Suzanna’s phone so they could be in contact and check on the kids while they were househunting). CSIL arranged a dinner/playdate at the Italian restaurant at the hotel where she works. And Suzanna told me that she was pumping her for info on Suzanna and what she does and who she sees and who she calls and why doesn’t she ever answer my calls. And Suzanna said she also talked about me and didn’t say what was said and I should’ve dropped it and not even cared but something propelled me to somehow dig deeper and get the story.
Jen, the babysitter, arrived as we were sitting outside and Suzanna was on her “your CSIL is psychotic. she is evil. she is single white female. she wont’ leave me alone. she calls me 100x a day. my husband wants me to change my cell # but I’ve had it forever and refuse to change it for her. and you should stay away from her. I don’t know how to get away from her.” That’s pretty much how the talk was going and then she went in to get a drink. So I asked the babysitter what was said about me at their dinner. She looked a little confused and didn’t understand how we were related and it didn’t hit her I think that I was the one that she was talking about that night.
And she said she said that I’m crazy. And I said,” She said that I’m crazy? Just out of the blue? What else did she say?” It seemed like the oddest conversation to have w/someone elses babysitter in the middle of an Italian restaurant especially since this girl had never met me and probably could care less about me. And she said she said “you just do crazy things…you know, you’re just crazy.” She looked totally uncomfortable and then Suzanna walked out and Jen said, “Suzanna…I told you not to say any thing.” And I watched Suzanna’s cheeks turn all these lovely shades of soft pink and hot pink and I think even red. She looked like she was so uncomfortable and then I all of sudden felt I had entered a Felline movie and nothing was making sense any more. I was preparing dinner for all of us and setting the table outside as the good hostess I am. My body was going through the motions yet my brain was telling me to ask them to leave. But I wanted to hear my old friend out and give her a chance b/c how could she be friends with this person that she just despises and is afraid of and knows has hurt me and is still hurting me. Nothing made sense.
My head was spinning and my stomach was throbbing and I tried to talk. I opened my mouth but I couldn’t find any train of thought to follow. I am always prepared to talk w/anybody at any time but this was something I wasn’t prepared for.
And they kept going and going. Even Jen. “She’s a yenta, isn’t she? I’m from that area of NY and I know yentas and she is a yenta.” And then Suzanna, ” I don’t know how to get rid of her and I want to come back to this town one day and I know I have to be careful b/c she is the kind of person that is plotting and planning and she will ruin my reputation if I am not careful.” And then Jen, “Just don’t take her calls! You know what you need to do. It’s simple!”. And she looked at me, “She even texted her the other day: “i just ate a bag of chips”. ” Ok, that is just weird.
So, me being the stupid chump I am. I defended my CSIL whenever they were maybe ready for some sour, hatefuld words from me. And I just wouldn’t do it. I felt so sorry for my CSIL b/c it realy was so aware at that dinner in my backyard how something is just not right with her. How sad and insecure she is. How she just needs help and who could help her when my brother is allowing this behavior or maybe not even realizing it’s wrong and there is noone to help her. She does plot and plan before she goes to bed. She even told me once that she plots and plans and has to take sleeping pills to fall asleep b/c her mind is just spinning.
The dinner ended and the babysitter left and I took a moment to tell my friend that I was not happy w/hearing what was said about me w/her babysitter and how could she stay close to her when this is going on and that I’ve know her for all these years and have to question her loyalty. And she said she was so surpised to hear me say that and that it hurts her that she would never do any thing to go against me and it all just sounded like “blah, blah, blah” BS and it was such BS that I don’t even remember the jist of her comments. I do remember saying that I had considered just not calling her any more and that that is what my CSIL wanted was for me to not call her any more. And that b/c of our kids being friends, I just couldn’t. I really at that moment had absolutely no more feelings for my friend. The friendship was over. And I know maybe some of you could say how could I blame her. You would have to be living my life this past year to understand a little better how I came to my decision.
The next morning she called and said she had a heart to heart w/her husband over a bottle of wine and thought she was going to lose me as a friend and that we have been through thick and thin together and she just couldn’t believe it was happening. And so she said she called my CSIL and told her it was so wrong to talk back about me the other night w/her sitter and especially she didn’t agree w/how it was done in front of the kids. And that my CSIL yelled, “I told my husband to take care of this! I told him it was his job to talk care of this situation and I didn’t say any thing to her”. So it sounded like my CSIL was denying it happened and then was blaming it on my brother.
Well, after my brother’s cold conversation w/me yesterday I thought I had to call him and tell him about this story b/c it just can’t be ignored. He asked me why I have disappeared for the last couple months and you know, that is basically why. Enough is enough. How much abuse do I have to put up with from her for the expense of having a relationship w/him and my nieces?
So I told him the story and it went like this…
“You know I’m calling you back b/c there is something else I want to tell you and it’s something that happend a month ago and it is very painful to me and actually pretty disgusting. Suzanna and her babysitter were at my house and out of no where the babysitter starts talking ab. her dinner the other night at the Italian restaurant and this girl that was being talked about and that girl ended up being me. And she had no clue how you and I and she and I were related but when I knew that she was talking ab. me w/your wife I asked her what was being said and she said that what was said is that I’m crazy and I do crazy things.” He sort of cockiy laughed and said, “It never happened. It’s totally exaggerated and it never happened. AND…I don’t care.”
Ok, exaggerated to me means that words were said about me and why were they being said about me in the middle of a random dinner of theirs. And second, he doesn’t care. And third, why would this chick make this stuff up??!! It doesn’t make sense. So I knew he was lying.
And I told him, “Why would this girl lie about this story? She didn’t know me or have any thing to gain and Suzanna looked so embarassed when she walked out and saw what we were talking about. And you don’t care?!?” He responded, “Yes, I don’t care.”
I said what I’ve been feeling for many years, “You don’t care? THAT is the problem. That is what has been going wrong for the last 8 years is you not caring. You allowing this behavior to happen again and again and just not care. That is why you and I are not talking again. ” He basically was angry, cocky, indifferent and really, could care less about how my feelings were crushed by that night’s events and have been crushed for such a long time.
I was telling a good friend of my ours this story and he just asked me, “Is he truly happy? Can you ask him, “Are you truly happy?”. And I said I don’t believe he can be truly happy and I certainly would not ask him that question b/c I would get a nice F-off. He made some observations about how misery loves company and obviously they both must be miserable. He said some other things but does it all really matter?
I see my son and how I would do any thing for him for my love for him. And I see my daughter’s love for my son and the bond they have. And it sometimes just makes me so nostalgic and it questions my memories of my past. I know how I had that relationship w/my brother. And I know my mom had that closeness with her son. And I know the 3 of us were tight as many mothers/sons/daughters are. And what makes me angry and sad is that I realize that there is nothing I can do to regain that closeness. That she has been torturing me all these years with little jabs. With bigger painful words. With mean actions that are inexcuseable. And who can I talk to get help for them? Is it my responsibiblity? My mom can’t help them b/c she is an even bigger outsider in his world than I am.
So I let it go and I back away and I live my life. And I focus all my love and positive energy on my children and don’t let this eat me up. It’s funny now I know why I never saw Suzanna in those last days before she moved. And haven’t heard from her either. She didn’t want to tell me that they were going to rent the place she was renting on the beach. Because she looked like a fool after bashing my CSIL so badly and even saying how she told her husband to not give their realtor’s number for the place. She doesn’t have to worry b/c I have no intention of calling her and know who my few but true friends really are.
