heart racing…head pounding…stomach aching. I had to make it today-the return phone call to the one that last phoned ripping me a new one. will share pieces of the conversation…it went sort of like this:
conversation about my then almost 2 year old son’s impending birthday:
me: “hi, we’re doing the cake tomorrow around 5…”
her: “we have a party to go to and we can drop the kids off…the baby sitter can come too and then bring them home if that works for you”
me: “ok, sure (completing blanking out and forgetting my older child’s basketball ceremony is also that night…and this quick get together was going to be just that, a quick get together-my brain is spinning, I hear her planning, waiting, wanting me to react…)
her: “we’ll definitely be there after work and bring the kids, if you don’t mind , we’ll have the sitter bring them home”
me: (my queue-second chance-I jump off the ledge…)”actually, if you don’t mind, I’ll drop them off (flake again to mention it will be a super quick “here’s your cake, don’t eat the candles, say cheese,we have to GO!” kind of “party” )it’s a small get together and it’s just family.”
my honesty, not going very well-
her: “well, we had to schedule her in and why would we pay her to stay at home while the kids our at your house”
me: ” I understand and am sorry I always do this and plan things at the last minute and it’s ok if you guys can’t make it…” cut off at this point and didn’t get to finish my last thought…damn! It would’ve been something like this: “don’t worry, if you can’t all make it tomorrow, we’ll schedule it another day this coming week or weekend. He wont’ know the difference what day it is”
her screaming: “now you’re talking like a crazy person…listen to yourself!!! of course we want to come!!!! you always do this …(more angry comments)
me shaking and say politely: “I have to go…bye”
cell phone rings
her long message to me went something like this yelling: “it’s about time you take responsibility for your actions and take control of your life (other” it’s about time”suggestions)…I know you won’t call me back and actually, don’t bother b/c I don’t even want to talk to you!!!!!!”
thump thump thump went my heart and my hands were shaking.
The rest I have blocked out and thankfully, AT&T has automatically erased the message.
I have a Sicilian father. His most important things are:
1)respect
2)honesty
3)paying cash
4)a “united” family
This is a quick list and will one day update it a little more accurately, but you can get the picture…
It’s Mother’s day and we’re planning lunch. To explain a little better why there was not a big “event” for my baby’s birthday…it’s not that it was not one of the most important days in the world. And I do plan things occassionally. Usually, totally last minute. I hate to be “booked” and tied down to something and w/my husband’s occupation…the only big things we plan is our once a year 2 week family vacation to visit his parents. Thus, the birthday party was very impromptu…if daddy (my DH)was not going to be there on the actual date, it would have been pushed up to the day he could be there. The baby would’ve never known the difference…and we still would’ve had the most important part: the best cake in the world!
Back to Mother’s Day…I get the call and invite my dad to join us for a sort of planned brunch.
my dad:” your brother called and invited me. I will come to join you if we all go together. (warning: sicilian guilt trip full speed ahead…almost, or if not as bad as a jewish guilt trip) I want you to come with us or I won’t come up to visit you.”
awkward situation and even more awkward pause.
You see, I would have to go and (my heart starts racing)be w/ “her” after the mildy aggressive message. Almost 2 months have passed without any contact and my heart wasn’t in it…not even for my dad (definite mild guilt trip but it was mild). So, I declined.
Well, it didn’t end there. My cell phone is ringing and it’s “her” and it was a polite message w/Mother’s Day wishes and “we have to get together and talk” ending. Talk. Talk…I’m out of words for “her” at the moment. It has been about 9 years of this volatile relationship. Since the birth of our children I’ve taken a what I feel has been a passive stance and have chosen to let her take charge …that is what she loves to do best. Planning, plotting every second of her life …not that there is any thing wrong with that. But it’s not me. So I’ve taken the back seat and tried my damnedest to avoid any confrontations. Thinking that by doing so, life w/ “her” will be better and we’ll all get along. That approach, I can deduct, is not working and as I said…I’m out of words. I can’t win by saying what I feel and I can’t win by staying quiet and backing away.
Back to the call. Two days later, I felt it was the right thing to do and I picked up the phone and I made the call. Several time throughout the day I would think “ok, just do it you wimp” and I would head aching, heart racing…put my cell phone down.
I finally found my balls and made the call and now will wait.
And by the way, on Mother’s day after her nice message…my dad called: “did she call you?”. Thanks dad! You peacemaker you. Well, it didn’t work. And forced calls are kind of dumb I think.
